You're a Person, Not an Addict

I've noticed that I tend to not know how I think about feel about things until I'm talking to someone about it or until I feel like I should write about it. I'm not very good at just taking time to think because I hate being bored and too much thinking time usually leads to depressing thoughts, so most of my figuring out occurs as I talk or write. As such (and as is often the case), this blog post is inspired by a conversation that I had with a good friend of mine recently.

We were chatting about some random things, but then he asked me a couple of questions that I didn't really know the answers to until he asked and I responded.

The first question he asked was "Why do you trust me so much?" To which I responded "I don't know. I just feel like I can. You haven't given me any reason not to."

The second question was "Even knowing that I still struggle with pornography addiction?"

My immediate response was "Of course!" Which, honestly, probably seems like a strange response for someone in my situation. But this is something that I've thought about over and over and over again over this past year or so and have only just recently been able to solidify a bit more within myself.

The next chunk of this post is simply going to be our conversation, copied and pasted straight from Messenger. I'll start with the first question and just copy and paste from there.

Him: Anna, why do you trust me so much?

Me: I don't know. I just feel like I can. You haven't given me any reason not to.

Him: Even knowing that I still struggle with pornography addiction?

Me: Of course! That doesn't define you. And as far as I can tell, you are doing your best to overcome it. You've been very open about it. I know that you've been to at least one group meeting for it (and I'm assuming many more). Everyone sins. Everyone has their struggles. I care a lot more about how you handle it than I do about how severe the struggles are in the first place.

I'm not going to lie, pornography addiction is really, really scary for me. But it's wouldn't be fair for me to assume that every single person that struggles with porn is going to be like [ex-fiance]. And who am I to judge someone who is earnestly seeking to repent?

And honestly? A lot of people that I'm close to struggle with it. It's not really something that I can just get away from.

Him: I suppose not.

(Later in the conversation)

Him: I feel that I represent an immense risk to you.

Me: An immense risk? Because of the pornography thing?

Him: I talked to ______, at length, after that first [time that we hung out], because I was freaking out

Me: Oh my goodness! Really?

Why?

Him: Because _______ knew both of us; the details of our stories

Me: No, I mean, why were you freaking out?

Him: Because I saw myself as a risk

Me: [Name of friend]. You're not a risk. You're a person.

Everyone is a risk.

I could be in danger of being hurt by anyone at any given moment and I would be none the wiser…
Some of my very best friends are porn addicts. Some of the best people I know struggle with it.

Does struggling with porn make you more likely to hurt me than someone else? Maybe. But that's a risk that I have to be willing to take, because I would miss out on a lot of amazing people otherwise.

And you're one of them.

Him: I am at a loss, for words

Me: Here's the thing…

ANYONE new is scary for me right now. And even dating people that I feel like I know well is terrifying too. Because I never, ever would have thought that [ex] was capable of doing the things that he did to me. So every single person that I encounter is seen as a potential risk for me. But I refuse to let that stop me from making new friends. And I'm trying really hard to make my anxiety shut up about going on dates and being in a relationship again someday. Because no matter who it is, no matter whether I know that they have struggled with xyz or not, it's going to be scary. But just because someone might hurt me, doesn't mean that they will. And I have to give every single person the same chance. I choose to do my best to trust everyone that I associate with regardless of their past or current struggles. Because if I don't, then I will most definitely never find the right guy for me. And I wouldn't have the amazing support system of friends that I have right now.

Trusting people is terrifying. But I do it anyway because it's worth it. 

And I absolutely may end up being hurt again. But one person hurting me isn't worth giving up a hundred people loving me and lifting me up.

[Ex] has already taken so much away from me. I refuse to let him take away my ability to love and accept others.

Being friends with you is a risk that I am more than willing to take. You have been nothing but respectful and caring towards me since the day that I met you.

Him: It's hard to believe that a year ago, _______ was telling your story. Never thought we would be friends

Me: I tend to surprise people :)

Okay, so ending the narrative there, let me talk about some of what you just read.

First of all, I was mortified to find out that he has been so afraid of being friends with me because he's afraid of hurting me. But in retrospect, it makes sense that it would be nerve-wracking for him.

I've made a huge error in my blogging. I've written so much about being hurt by someone who is/was struggling with sexual addiction. I've written about the dangers of pornography. I've written about abuse. I've written about all of the horrible things that came from being engaged to a porn addict. 

But what I haven't done very well is express that even though I was hurt by an addict, that doesn't mean that I hate or fear every single person that has struggled- or is currently struggling- with pornography.

And let me clarify something really quick:

Struggling with porn doesn't mean that you are addicted. I don't want those of you who are struggling to prematurely identify your struggles as addiction. Addiction is a strong word, and I feel like we often mislabel people who are struggling as addicts, which only makes it harder for them to overcome their struggles.

And even if you are addicted, that doesn't mean that I just write you off as an addict and then move on. Please know that.

You are not an addict. You are a person.

Like I said to my friend, every single person that I encounter in my day to day life has the potential to hurt me. And honestly? I can't know who of the people I associate with might hurt me, and that definitely is intimidating.

But when I meet someone and get to know them, I don't base my judgement of whether they're a "risk" or not on things that they have done in the past or for struggles that they are having. I base my judgement on how they treat me and on how they respond to their trials and temptations. That is only fair.

For those who have struggled with pornography in the past, it simply isn't fair for me to write you off because of things that are behind you. I certainly wouldn't want people to base their judgments of me off of who I was a few years ago. Shoot, I look back at my Facebook memories and can't help but be amazed that I had any friends at all at the time!

And for those who are currently struggling with porn, it still isn't fair for me to write you off because of your struggles. I am struggling with so much right now and I spend so much time trying to keep my head above water. And I hope that people look at me and see how hard I'm trying and how far I've come, not only the fact that I am still a mess. 

I care that you are doing what it takes to overcome. If you are sincerely seeking to overcome your struggles with, or addiction to, pornography, then that is enough for me.

Like I said to my friend, does you having issues with porn make you more likely to hurt me? Quite possibly. But you are so much more than your struggles. Sure, you might hurt me. But you might also support me, uplift me, teach me, love me, respect me. And I simply won't know that unless I give you the same chance that I give to every single person that I meet, which is the chance for us to become acquainted with each other, and eventually become friends.

The person that has hurt me most was addicted to pornography. He was also a singer, loved drones, directed an A Capella group, and was obsessed with strawberry banana smoothies.

I'm not going to stay away from singers, people that love drones, music directors, or people that love strawberry banana smoothies just because the person that hurt me the most had something in common with them.

Obviously pornography has a lot more to do with the things that he did to me than smoothies do, but I hope that you understand the point that I'm trying to make anyway.

Your pornography addiction is only a small part of who you are. You may be an addict, but you may also be a musician, an athlete, a gamer, a history nut, or a baker. Labeling yourself as an addict isn't doing yourself justice. 

Pornography addiction comes with risk, it comes with dangers, but struggling with porn doesn't automatically make YOU a risk.

You are a person just like I am. We both have our trials and temptations. We both have things that we struggle with and things that we excel at. We both have hopes and dreams and favorite things. 

I don't want to miss out on an entire complex, wonderful human being because of one little part of them.

You have just as much potential to strengthen me as you do to hurt me. 

My friend that inspired this post has helped me more than he knows since we became friends last year. "Being an addict" didn't inhibit that. 

You're a risk if you let yourself be. So don't. Be open and honest. Use every possible resource to overcome. Let me be a help and support to you in any way that I can be, because you surely will be the same for me.

Does pornography scare me? Absolutely. But it doesn't scare me enough to let the opportunity to know and love someone amazing pass me by.

I've never met someone who wasn't worth giving an honest chance to. 

You are more than your struggles. Your potential for good is greater than your greatest weaknesses. 

So please. Please don't feel like you need to stay away from me. Because I promise that I'll love you just as much as I love every other incredible person in my life. Because you are worth it. I just know it.

Ps- This made me laugh, but it's true. Replace fat with struggles and it totally works ;)

He Will NOT Let You Sink

3 Nephi 13:26, 28-34

26 Behold the fowls of the air, for they sow not, neither do they reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?...

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the alilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin;

29 And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith.

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself...

Luke 12:6-7

6 Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?

7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

"Consider the lilies" and "ye are of more value than many sparrows" have been running through my mind a lot lately.

I'm in this interesting position where Rexburg is the best place for me, except for the fact that I can't afford to live here. Financially, it would make the most sense for me to go home for a while. But in every other sense, it makes more sense for me to stay out here.

And I have received so many blessings that have told me that I'm where I need to be.

But if I can't afford it, how can I stay here? It doesn't make logical sense.

I talked to my sister on the phone about a month ago and discussed the possibility of me having to go home since I don't have the money to pay for rent, medical bills, tuition, etc.

I dread the thought of having to spend time at home, but I agreed that that might be my only option. Except that I keep feeling like I should be here.

The day after I had that conversation with my sister, I was talking to a friend of mine that is going through a hard time. She was debating whether she wanted to come back to BYUI or not. I don't know her super well, but I felt like I should invite her to be my roommate if she decides to come back. So I did. And she decided pretty much right then and there to come to school next semester and be my roommate.

That seemed like a pretty clear answer to me that I'm supposed to be here. The day after I allowed myself to even think of going home as an option again, I felt prompted to invite my friend to live with me here in Rexburg.

Cool! So being here still feels right!

But...

I still owe almost $2,000 in various bills that I really need to pay off in order to stay here. So.... Um, what?

I've been SUPER stressing about money all semester and it's killing me. I cry about it at least once a week. But what keeps coming back to me is that I'm supposed to be here, so something will work out.

Consider the lilies; think about the sparrows. He takes care of them and He'll take care of you.

I can't see the money that I need falling from the sky into my bank account. Yet I know that with God, all things are possible. And I know that if this is where I need to be, then He will help me to stay here.

I was talking to a friend of mine just yesterday about being afraid, praying, receiving revelation, still being afraid, praying more, rinse and repeat. We talked about the story of Peter walking on water. He asked the Lord to invite him to come out onto the water. The Lord did so. Peter stepped out and walked on water. And then he sank. But was immediately lifted up as soon as he reached out to Christ for help.

We talked about how she had asked for revelation and felt like she received it, but how she was afraid to step out onto the water. Because even after the Lord reassures you that you can walk on water, the water still looks very much like liquid.

And as I encouraged her to take that step out into the water with the knowledge that Christ will always be there to catch her if she starts to sink, I realized that I desperately needed that advice as well.

I've prayed and prayed to know what I should do about my financial situation. I've looked for jobs. I've done interviews. I've been taking slow, shaky steps along the surface of the sea, but I'm still absolutely terrified of the thought of sinking. Even though I asked the Lord to bid me come out. Even though He did so. The water still looks extremely liquid. And the wind and the waves keep threatening to toss me into the depths. But I have to trust that I'm going to be taken care of somehow.

I've had it confirmed to me over and over again that I should be right here in Rexburg, so I really need to just trust that I'll be able to stay here somehow. And I do. Sometimes I really wish that the "how" would be made more obvious to me, but I really do believe that something will work out as long as I continue to do my best to keep taking those shaky steps.

If the grass and the flowers are taken care of the I will be too. If a sparrow does not go unnoticed, then neither will I.

I have to believe that that's true. Because I haven't had a regular job in almost a year, and yet I'm still here.

Money has cropped up out of nowhere time and time again over this past year.

And I pay my tithing on every single little bit of money that I earn or am given; down to $0.20 for the $2 that my roommate gave me because that is how much off I was for rent last month. And so I have a promise from the Almighty God that I will be taken care of.

I have been given little odd jobs. I have had friends force money and/or groceries on me. I have had additional funds brought back to my remembrance. I've had discounts come out of nowhere.

I have been sustained thus far in ways that I don't like. My friends have seen how incredibly guilty I feel every single time they pay for something or make me take money. They have seen me cry when money has been left to me anonymously because, while I am extremely grateful for it, I feel absolutely horrible that I have to rely so heavily on others for my survival.

I hate it.

If it was up to me, my mental and physical health would allow me to get two jobs and work myself into the ground so that no one ever has to feel like they need to help make sure that I have a roof over my head.

But it's not up to me.

I am desperately trying to accept the help that Heavenly Father has been sending me. I am trying so hard not to feel so incredibly guilty ALL. THE. TIME. Because I'm doing my part by paying tithing and seeking work, so if I can't find anything/am too sick to work a regular job, then I have to be okay with the alternatives that the Lord presents to me.

I'm trying really hard to NOT hate it.

Because it's not fair for me to snub the blessings that Heavenly Father is pouring down on me. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the small miracles that I keep seeing. I really am grateful. I'm just working on not being begrudgingly grateful.

This is all very scary for me. The not knowing how everything is going to work. The dependence on others.

But I know that it really is going to work out.

I don't know how. And that is scary. But that just has to be okay with me for now.

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

As long as I continue to look to the Lord with faith, He will absolutely make sure that everything works out the way that it needs to. Because He knows what I need much better than I do. And He knows exactly how this all needs to work out.

So my job is to trust Him to not let me sink. I know that His hand is always reaching out for me, I just need to reach up and take it.

PS- Let me say right here that this is not a plea for money. I've been very wary of writing about my financial struggles because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm just begging for money. But I also promised to be as real as possible in my blog and to be honest about what is really happening in my life, and so I've recently started to be more open about my financial situation, even though it scares me to do so. So, please don't feel like I'm sharing because I'm hoping that people will start dishing out cash. Because it's not. This is just all part of my life right now and financial difficulty has been one of my most prominent stressors this semester.

PPS- Picture dump time ;)

Four pages from the book The Peter Potential by David Butler and Emily Belle Freeman

This is one of my all time favorite pictures <3

Power of the One

Something that's funny about being a victim of abuse and felony is that I know that my ex never wanted to intentionally hurt me. It's funny to me because in a few simple acts, he hurt me in ways that he never could have imagined. Ways that still hurt over a year later. Ways that keep hurting more and more every single day.

He couldn't have known that his actions would cause me to have crippling anxiety. Or that he would set my IBS off so badly that I would lose my job. Or that he would make "liking" people really hard for me.

I almost started crying today when I went to the Lost and Found yet again to ask about my water bottle that I lost about a month ago and they actually had it this time. I think that the girl that handed it to me was really confused as to why I was so excited to get it back, but I literally can't afford to buy a new one, so losing it has actually been a really big deal for me.

I can't even afford a reusable water bottle, or new headphones, or a new exercise shirt, because one man did some things over a year ago that is still effecting my financial stability.

My ex had no idea the kind of power that a single individual can have on a person. Or on a family. Or community.

I feel like we, as human beings, tend to underestimate the power that we wield every day.

I don't know about you, but when I look in the mirror, I don't see someone mighty. I don't see myself as someone who can and has changed lives. I don't see a person that makes a difference in anyone's life. But I do.

And I see people every single day that have had a significant impact on my life. And I doubt that they really understand that they have the power to change my life, let alone that they have used it.

This idea of not realizing the power that we each hold as individuals is actually kind of scary to me.

Think about it. It only takes one person to cause panic about gun control. One person who decides to shoot up a school, or a movie theater, or a concert.

It only takes one person taking their religion to an extreme to turn hundreds of people against every single other person of their faith.

It only took one person to shatter a young woman's heart. And with it her self-confidence, trust in love, physical and mental health, financial situation, sleeping patterns, etc.

The amount of damage that a single person can cause is terrifying.

And we see individuals use this power that they have to destroy things almost every day in the news.

But here's the wonderful thing: the power of the one can also create, build, and uplift.

Sometimes this power is made manifest in big, obvious ways like when someone is passionate about a cause and works to make a huge difference. You know, the people that have founded non-profits and built orphanages. Or that person that makes a club, which becomes a society, which becomes a huge organization.

But more often than not, the power is used in small ways that we're not even fully aware of. It's found in the roommate that stays up late to talk to you when you're sad. Or the friend that is always down to give you a ride to the doctor, or counseling, or Walmart, or literally anywhere.

It's found in that person that says just the right thing to you to help you keep fighting through the day. And the sibling that comes over in the early hours of the morning to help you to calm down from a 20-minute anxiety attack.

Or even smaller than that.

This power is seen being used to make your roommate's bed because you know that they have an early start the next day but fell asleep on the couch because she didn't want to fix her sheets for the umpteenth time.

One person holds the power to change lives in big ways, but also in small, everyday ways. Both make a significant impact on the people around them though, whether they realize it or not.

With a few bad decisions, my ex-fiance quite thoroughly turned my life upside down and backwards. He hurt me so deeply and in so many ways.

Over a year later, I'm still struggling to keep from being sick for longer than a few days because my immune system is way down from all of the anxiety and depression that I've been fighting. And I'm watching my bank account dwindle down to nothing because I still don't have a job and haven't been able to get one because I've been sick for about 90% of this semester.

Because of one single young man, I am terrified every day when I think about the future because I have over $1300 in bills to pay and less than $80 to pay them with. And if I can't pay off my school expenses, then I can't register for classes for next semester, which means no financial aid. It would also probably mean that I would have to un-enroll from school because I don't think that they'd let me defer another semester since I had to defer last semester because of my health.

Because of one individual, I know what my roommates are feeling as they fall in love and prepare to get married, but can't remember those feelings without also feeling despair and fear that I'll never feel all of those wonderful feelings ever again. (Obviously I know that I will someday, but that doesn't stop me from feeling miserable and afraid because I want to have a person again but have so many doubts and fears about dating).

One person that did a few things over a year ago is still effecting my life every single day in a crippling way.

BUT.

There are also SO many individuals that are responsible for keeping me going every single day as well.

Every single prayer that you say for me is heard and answered in blessings poured down on me.
Every single invitation to hang out reminds me that I'm loved and wanted.
Every ride given helps me to do things that I have a really hard time finding the courage/motivation to go out and do.
Every second spent playing games with me gives me validation that I'm worth spending time with. Every inspirational picture on Facebook that you post bolsters my determination to keep going every day.
And every funny one reminds me that I can still smile and laugh, even when I sometimes feel like I'm going to be smothered by my circumstances.

Because of so many individuals just like you, I am able to keep trusting that things really will work out for me, even if I see zero ways that it can.

Do not ever underestimate the power that you have inside of you. Not for one second.

You do make a difference. You are filled to the brim with potential.

Every single person that exists has the power to change lives for good or ill. Don't take that power lightly. But also be assured that you have probably helped far more people than you know.

You are loved and admired and praised by people that you are not even aware of because of acts that you don't even remember.

The power that one single person holds is immeasurable. You have it and you use it every single day.

To quote myself from a couple of years ago:

When you remember that God NEVER makes mistakes,

remember that He made YOU. And you are no exception.

You are a child of God with infinite potential. Don't you ever forget that. And on days where you feel useless and like you don't make a difference at all, remember what I'm telling you right now. You can and you have. There is not a single person on earth that is unimportant and un-influential. You are not the exception to that. I promise you that you are not. And on those crummy days, remember that if nothing else, you have probably helped this young woman that feels lost and scared to keep on going for one more day.

And I thank you for that.